Bring on the lard

A light snack

Healthy people! Normally I would expect you to find me a very tragic figure. Plenty of crying and hushed marvelling at how brave I am etc.

But just to mix it up I'm going to make you so so jealous.

Wait till you see my diet plan. It's not a bit like yours.

You see, I am on the build-up diet.


Losing weight is almost compulsory when you have cancer. Luckily I was delightfully chunky when I started to shed in May 2016. I had to have what is euphemistically called firm-control underwear to get into my size 16 maid of honour dress for Jane's wedding. The hellish corset thing was stretched so tight in its mission to hold me in that I couldn't get enough slack to undo the poppers to have a wee. I left early to go home and cut myself out.

Now I waver between 2.5 and 3 stone less than that.  My thighs look like balloons that have hung about for weeks and are about to give up the fight. I'm still not skinny by any means but I don't want to get any less because technically I am wasting away and I don't like how that sounds. Not one bit.

Last night I was on the internet reading various diet plans produced by hospitals and health authorities. Oh how I laughed! They are the antithesis of any healthy eating suggestions you ever saw.

One sticks in my head.

Bedtime Snack
Hot chocolate made with fortified milk topped with marshmallows and cream.
A slice of cake.

That's a snack, mind you. You've already troughed down 3 proper meals and 2 giant snacks by this time.

The general strategy seems to be find something calorific then find a way of adding more calories to it. Fruit and veg are OK but for gawds sake don't be filling up on them. Take a moment to drown them in cream, butter, full-fat yogurt, or cheese sauce. Fatten up your full-fat milk by adding milk powder. Put ice-cream in smoothies. Fry anything you think can take it. Yes, that includes bread.

This research lead me to go and buy a can of Dunn's River Nurishment and drink it. This West Indian staple is flavoured milk with additional protein, calcium, vitamins and loads of sugar. It is just the most delicious drink in the whole world.

Bet you wish your diet was FAT like mine.

There just had to be a cruel irony though didn't there? Cancer takes away your appetite, tumours can mess up your digestive capabilities and chemo can turn your mouth to an ulcerated mush or mess with your palate. I tried to eat a brunch burger and chips in the Baron last week. I truly believed I was starving till the thing arrived. Man, that meal was huge! I was repelled. It was only good manners and hatred of wasted money that made me able to eat a few chips.

In all the excitement I ordered this book . But now I have taken the time to see what's actually in it and all the recipes are way too poncy for me to bother with. Oh but it does say "To share with friends and family". Anyone want a loan?